STOP CALLING ME SHORTY!
by Strider Song
Summary: Karkat is the most irritable motherfucker on the planet, and now he has to put up with the...most unique motherfucker on the planet. Rated M for swearing and ass grabbing in future chapters. Probably smut too For those who have read it, this will not update as quickly as "Oh Bullocks! We've Swapped Bodies!", though it may or may not be as long.
1. Chapter 1

Your name is Karkat and you are pretty much the most irritable motherfucker on the planet.

Everyone's obnoxious.

Everyone is too damn happy all the time.

And whenever, and you mean WHENEVER, relationship drama of any sort happens: you are the first to know and the only one to deal with it.

While it is hilarious as horseshit to deal with and watch, it gets a bit pathetic at points.

"I..uh... She's really nice when.. you get to know her... but she sort of... changes the tv channel a lot and... makes me carry her in my wheel chair to bed... and... I'm, not sure if a movie is too much... at this point in our, uhh, relationship... but...er..."

Seriously.

If this is the world's idea of sexual tension, you're just going to pack your shit up and get out of here because seriously.

What the actual fish-flinging fuck.

Your name is Karkat, and you're at a bar drinking something to just calm you down.

One of the good things about you being drunk: you're calm enough to think.

The music that is playing is awful.

The cackling drunk girls on the dance floor are awful.

Everything's awful.

You know, you never knew how pissed off you could be when your best friend just got dumped by his boyfriend of four years.

And you had to watch it.

Even though it was a week ago, it was still fresh in your mind.

"Why John? What did I motherfuckin' DO?" Gamzee had said, crying.

"Please stop crying, Gamzee! I just, I... I like someone else, now!" He said.

Gamzee ran to the car cryingn harder.

"Who is it. Who the fuck are you breaking my best friend's heart for." You demanded, glaring hard.

"H-her name is Rose-"

"When'd you meet her." You interrupted.

"F-five years ago..." he said.

"How long have you liked her."

"W-well..."

"HOW LONG." You demanded.

"S-since I m-met her..."

You slapped him upside the head.

"You, are a moron. Just go inside and never talk to me OR Gmazee ever again."

"B-but I didn't dump YOU! I dumped Gamzee!" He defended.

"Like that makes it a WHOLE lot better. You didn't ruin my life, you ruined his. Oh wait. I CARE about my friends. Apparently the same can't be said for you. Good-bye, John."

He growled and slammed the door.

You heard the Nic Cage movie play before you even left the driveway, a very sad juggalo crying on your shoulder.

You took another sip of your beer.

It tasted awful, but you couldn't help it.

The alcohol was enough.

Suddenly, you feel breath on your neck.

"Yo baby momma, lemme whisper in your ear-" someone rasps, breath hitting your ear as he says it.

You smack whoever it is upside the head.

"What the FUCK? Who are you and what gave you the almighty right to breathe on me?" You ask, as he's getting up from the floor.

"Not much. Just thought I'd try some new tactic for picking up hot babes at the bar." He says, getting up and repositioning his sunglasses on his face.

What the... it was plenty dark in here enough, why was he wearing sunglasses?

Wait... babe?

"I'm not a _**girl**_ you know-" You start.

"I know." He states flatly, smirking.

"Th-then why are you calling me babe?"

"Thought it'd fit, pretty eyes like yours, nice figure."

"..." You were at a loss for words.

A guy wearing sunglasses just called you pretty.

Now that he was at a distance, you could really take in his figure as well.

Most of his face was hidden, but his nose was small, but not button-like. It was short and... oddly cute.

His hair was platinum blonde, and by the looks of it...natural.

He was tall and lanky, but through his shirt, you could see he had some muscle.

...You weren't even going to go lower than his torso.

He had freckles sprinkled across his cheeks (or rather as much of his cheeks you could see, those damn shades.)

And his lips...

Oh god those _**LIPS**_.

They were red and full... oddly so for a man his age and body type.

You felt like you could just kiss them and OH GOD NO YOU'RE DRUNK STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.

You actually slapped yourself, and he nearly chuckled.

"Don't bother. People try to slap sense into themselves after they check me out like that, and it don't help much." He says, smirking.

He sits down next to you (much to your reluctance, having said 'Shove off I'm drinking here' or something related more than thrice) and buys you another round.

"So. Who are you. I think I should figure this out if you're going to buy me a drink." You say, scowling with your voice but smirking with your face.

"Well. I'm a DJ who is up here in Cali after leaving a shithole apartment in Texas. Name's Dave. Dave motherfuckin' Strider if you will." He says, taking a swig of his newfound beer.

"And wha-bout you?" He asked, sipping contently.

You sigh deeply, taking a swig of your own beer before you start.

"Well. My name is Karkat Vantas. I'm from Florida. I don't have and PhDs or some shit like that but I'm basically a bonefied therapist for my friends." You said.

Dave motherfuckin' Strider laughed at that, nodding.

"Been there. I'm one of the few who can actually keep it cool. My sister went and wooed some dork, but she's actually a lesbian. The dork hooked up with a clown guy whie liking my sister, and dumped him like a week ago. Stupid idiot. My other friend who happens to be said dork's sister, and she tends to act more like a pet than a person."

You nodded before all of the information ran through your head again.

"Wait... your sister who's actually a lesbian wouldn't happen to be named Rose, would she?"

He stops and looks at you.

"Have we met?" he asks in what has to be the most Texan way.

"No! I would have remembered a weird Texa-hipster-dick-moron like you, but the dork you mentioned who was wooed by a girl named Rose... well... the poor clown guy is my best friend. Dumped by an idiot dork who was my friend John."

He keeps his cool, but from his breathing you can tell he is mentally flipping his shit.

"Well. Okay. What do you mean 'was'? You didn;t kill him, did you?" He asked, a little faster than he might have intended.

"No! Fuck, no. I wouldn't have wasted my precious energy on a lost cause like that guy. Said he wasn't in to guys after he dated Gamzee for four years... what a load of crap." You grumble, taking a sip of the beer which is starting to grow on you. It's not too thin, but it's got flavor to it... you like it... maybe.

"Hey. Get up shorty. Let's go dance." He says.

"Who gave you the permission to call me shorty?" You shout indignantly.

"I did. I gave myself permission like a fat guy gives himself permission to eat 12 pizzas." He says.

That was... creative.

"Sure... fi-iiiiiii!" You start, yelping when he grabs your arm, giving you only half a second to put down the bottle and get up comfortably.

He drags you to the dance floor, when suddenly a song you have never heard before starts playing.

It's got this weird mix of music you never listen to, but it works in just the right way that it is both dance-able but you could listen to it outside the club if you wanted.

"This is one of my mine. I asked the club DJ to play it for me." He shouts over the music.

"This is yours? Huh! I thought it sounded half-way decent, but now that you mention it, it sucks girraffe dick and there's a slight tick in it that makes it sound like the record's scratched." You shout back, smirking.

"Uhunh. Glad you like it shorty." He replies, giving a genuine laugh when you flip him off.

You spend the rest of the night off-hand insulting him before you can't cohernetly do anything.

The last thing you remember before passing out is him picking you up in his arms bridal style and you calling him a prince taking you away from such dark places.

You don'treally have control over what you say when you're dunk _and _tired.

You wake up when the sun hits your face.

The first thing you think: your bed is really comfortable this morning.

The first thing you notice after thinking this: this is not your bed.

You sit up really quickly and look at the clock, finding out that it is 11:46.

You walk around the place to see whose house it is tha you woke up in and you see a man on the couch, with a red and white shirt, black-skinny jeans, and mussed up platinum blonde hair.

First thing you find out here: Dave motherfuckin' Strider has the _BEST ASS YOU HAVE EVER SEEN._

He starts to stir and he sits up, rubbing his face.

He apparently doesn't wear his sunglasses to sleep, because now you can see that he has nice but subtle cheek-bones, and-

Wait a moment... are his eyes _RED?_

They are... oh wow but they WORK on him.

They are sparkly and look like rubies that were just made to fit his face perfectly.

He apparently also doesn't sleep on a couch much, because when he stands up, he cracks his back and it is so loud you're almost afraid that he broke something.

He looks at you and smiles, cheek-bones helping with that fantastically.

"Mornin'." He drawls, and woah boy if that isn't the thickest accent you've ever heard.

"Good morning Mr. Southern Accent." you say.

"And good morning to you Mr. Pale-Skinned Shorty."

Oh for fuck's sake.

Wait a minute...

"W-we didn't..._do..._ anything...last night... did we?" You ask shakily.

He chuckles, shaking his head.

"Now why in the name of sanity would we have done something... when I'm waking up fully clothed on my couch." he says.

Truthfully: he's got a good point.

"Yeah, well you could be insane and lying when you say in the name of sanity. Fuck... for all I know you have this weird kink of couching yourself after having sex and putting on clothes again. I don't know that." You say.

He smirks before leaning against the counter next to you.

"Won't your mom be worried about her little son bein' gone all night?" He asks sarcastically.

"Oh hilarious. No, my roomate wouldn't give a shit because he probably did something similar to what I did. Only thing is he probably had sex. Whatever. You're right. I should go." You say.

You actually did mean that. The lispy bastartd probably went and had sex after his gig. He always does that. It's a little worrying.

" 'S cool. Hey, shorty. 'Fore you go, here's my number." He said, handing you a 'business' card that had a rainbow and a sun with a smile on it.

"Just call that if you want to hang out again." He said, winking.

You rolled your eyes and sneered.

"Uhunh. Well. I have to go. AND STOP CALLING ME SHORTY." You say, before waving him off, gathering your shit, and leaving.

On the way down the road to your apartment (Dave's being not too far from yours, surprisingly) you whipped out your phone.

"Hey KK. What'th up?"

"We need to talk when I get home. I met this guy..."


	2. Chapter 2

Your name is Karkat and you just bust open the door of your apartment.

Sollux was there and for some reason so was Gamzee.

"Hey...Gamzee. What're you doing here? I sort of specifically told Sollux I was coming and I had hoped we could talk alone." You said.

"Weeell. I won't be too much of a bother. An' if it's so damn impor'ant...why can't you let a bro know?"

"UGGGGGH. FINE. Stay if you really want to hear about my boy drama _**this badly.**_" You answered, flopping into the comfiest chair in the room.

"Tho what wath thith about meeting a cute guy?" Sollux pipes up.

"I NEVER SAID HE WAS CUTE-" you start.

"Oh yeah? Then why did you thtay at hith houthe and come in here bluthing like a thchool girl?" Sollux interrupts, smirking.

"I AM NOT BLUSHING!" You argue.

"Yeah you are best friend. Your cheeks are all rosy and shit." Gamzee replies, smiling.

"WELL... WHAT IF I JUST RAN HOME, HUH? THAT'S AN OPTION! SINCE WHEN WAS IT NOT AN OPTION?" You reply.

"You're being awful defenthive for a boy who'th 'not cute'." Sollux points out.

"WHATEVER! Uggggh. Moving on from that point of insanity. His name is Dave. He's got platinum blonde hair, ruby red eyes, he's got a Texan accent... and he's a bit of a smarty asshole." You describe quickly.

"Thoundth like jutht your kind of guy. How old ith he? Where'th hith houthe? How nithe ith hith athth?" Sollux shoots out the questions.

"I don't know his age. His apartment is about a quarter mile down the road. And his ass is... fairly decent." You answer.

"Well damn. Why don't we go pay a motherfucker a visit? Sounds like the guy I'd want to meet." Gamzee asks.

"I get home a minute ago and you want me to go right back again? Jesus! Just let me shower and change and grab my bearings with my tumblr." You say, storming off.

"Nobody careth about your thtupid rom-com review thite!" Sollux shouts.

"I DO!" You say, slamming the door shut.

In ten minutes you are out of the bathroom, having voided your bowels and showered.

You go to your room and Gamzee follows you. You don't object, because even though he's a stupid stoner juggalo, he's a stupid stoner juggalo with fairly descent fashion sense.

"Red or black?" you ask, holding up two button-down linen shirts.

"Red. You're wearing black pants dude!" He replies.

"White or black underneath?" You ask.

"White. It'll stand out real nice." He says, nodding his head.

After you're all dressed, it's only been an hour, so you go check up on your internet and tumblr.

"A new follower... oh my god FUCK YOU SOLLUX!"

"Why?" He replies a tad curious and/or annoyed.

"I GOT A NEW FOLLOWER! PEOPLE DO CARE ABOUT MY ROM-COM REVIEW SITE! TAKE **THAT **YOU DINK-ASS-DUNDER-BITCH!" You shout.

"Uhunh. Great for you, KK." He sighs, returning to his game.

It's around 2:30 when you finally feel comfortable in calling him to hang out.

You dial what is on the business card, Sollux chuckling at it for how ridiculous it is, and you wait for the ring.

"I don't know this number, so I'm guessing this must be shorty?" Dave starts, Texan accent hidden much better now. Almost not noticeable.

"STOP. CALLING. ME. SHORTY!" You say.

"Fine, fine. So shorty. Want to just chat all formal like a symphony, or do you want to hang out."

'He takes directions real well, doesn't he' you think.

"Well my friends are forcing me to have you meet them. It would be much appreciated if you weren't a moron in front of them. We'll stop by and then we can go do something or some shit if you want." You lay out.

He chuckles really softly, and you can tell he's smirking.

"Sounds like a plan shorty." He says.

"STOP CALLING ME THA-!"

"See you." He hangs up.

You hear chortling behind you.

"What!" You bark.

"Thhorty? He really ith a thmarty aththhole." Sollux chuckles.

"Shorty? Sounds like a real fitting name for you." Gamzee says, though he must think he's complimenting you.

"WHATEVER! Let's go to his apartment." You say, storming out and down the street.

Twenty minutes later, Dave opens his apartment door.

"Hey shorty." He smiles. He sees Sollux and Gamzee, eyes freezing on Gamzee.

"Fuck... you weren't kidding. This is the guy." He says.

"I'm the guy what? What's he talkin' about, bro?" Gamzee asks.

"Come inside. If there's yelling I want to be less of a dick towards my neighbors."

"Basically, this guy's sister is the one who wooed John away from you." You say when everyone's settled in.

Gamzee's face doesn't seem to change for a minute, but then he gets a look of rage and turns towards Dave.

"IS THAT RIGHT? WELL MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE DAVE AWAY FROM HIS SISTER TO SEE HOW SHE LIKES THINGS SHE LOVES BEING TAKEN AWAY FROM HER!" He says, grabbing at Dave's collar.

Dave punches him and ends up smudging his make-up.

"Dude. What." He grunts, flattening out his shirt.

"I...don't know. You got beer?"

"Yup. Here y'are." Dave said, handing Gamzee a Sam Adams.

He takes a swig while Sollux looks at you.

"Tho. Did you two fuck or thomething? KK doethn't normally follow back on people who he meetht at barth." Sollux suggests.

You send him a glare made of fire, but Dave smirks.

"Nah. Shorty looked too mad last night. Mad at pretty much everything, I guess. He slept in my bed and I slept on the couch."

"That tho? Hmmm." Sollux smirks.

"What do you mean 'hmmm'?" You asked.

"Nothing KK. Theethh. Calm your titth."

"Jumpy there, are you shorty? Well. Anyone wanna watch something? Order a pizza? Or shall we go out to dinner. Olive Garden sound good?" Dave asks.

"A pizza's fine. STOP CALLING ME SHO-"

"Exthra large with everything on it if it ithn't too much trouble." Sollux cut you off.

"Sure thing. Olive Garden's tacky anyway."

A half hour and a scared shitless pizza delivery later (you TOLD Gamzee that random delivery people don't like it when you tackle-hug them for delivering pizza in 'the most miraculous way') the four of you were sitting on the couch eating the most ridiculous pizza ever that was tasty in the most magnificent way.

"This pizza tastes like shit." You said aloud as you watched the screen absentmindedly.

"Jeez, if you like it so much why don't you marry it." Dave said, deadpan. This was probably the first person you had ever met who got a smirk out of you for retaliating your idiocy.

"Welp. Gamthee and I are probably gonna head back tho you two can make out. Thee you later KK. Come on Gamthee." Sollux said, getting up and brushing himself off.

"Sure thing motherfucka. I was thinkin' it too. Ain't that awesome?"

"Thure... Gamthee... what ever you thay." Sollux muttered, rolling his eyes as he left the apartment.

"So. Does making out actually want to be a thing you want to do?" Dave asked, winking at you.

"AAGH! WHAT? NO! NOT WITH YOU! I MEAN, ER, YOU MIGHT BE NICE TO KISS, BUT. NEVER MIND ACTUALLY. I'M LEAVING!" You spluttered, not able to actually have anything make sense.

You headed towards the door, red in the face.

You opened the door a few inches, when you felt it slam shut.

"You sure? These lips don't save themselves for just anyone, shorty." Dave said, face quite close to yours.

Your eyes widened and you could feel your breathing pick up.

You felt heat somewhere else, and you looked down and OH GOD WHAT NO WHY HOW WHEN WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING TO YOU?

He chuckled, soft and light.

"Happy to see me?" He said.

"N-no! J-just, er... you're just too close is allmmmmmphh!" You started, being cut off with those lips on yours.

They were soft, but also heavy.

He pinned you against the door, using his hips to his advantage.

He breathed out hard through his nose, smiling into the impromptu make-out session.

Against your will, you moaned into the kiss.

You could feel his arm coming closer to you, when your brain finally caught up and shoved him away.

You fled the apartment, the only thing your brain could process being 'WHAT IN ALL THE BURNING HELLS JUST HAPPENED?'

It wasn't until after you got back to your apartment, and Sollux and Gamzee chuckled in your direction, that you realized you had just run down the street with a raging boner.


End file.
